Vitality. It’s the coldest word in my dictionary. Time gets to me as it does everyone, but in ways they haven’t considered. I always think about how I have X amount of years to be young. We go through different phases as we age. High school, college years, life. I watch movies about people in high school and realize that this part of my life is over. Silly things dawn on me. I no longer have the chance to marry a high school sweetheart because I never had one I could see myself marry. I no longer can justify spending $50 to Tee-Pee someone.
I’m in my college years by title. Socially I’m in the years where important people are starting to die, friends are having children and getting engaged, and I have a clue about what is going on in the world. I’m 19 years old. I’m 1/4 through my life. Halfway through my expected life and I’ve had a good time. It’s been said time and again. That youth is wasted on the young. I’m starting to think Benjamin Button had it all figured out– aging backwards, that is. I have a bucket list full of different dreams. Many rely on me being able bodied and having few responsibilities other than caring for my cat.
So I consider my options and realize, as a woman, my biological clock will start winding down soon. So do I choose my youth or my old age? Do I settle down and get married before I’m 30 or do I keep going on every adventure and figure things out as I go? I can have both, but it’s my life. Why half ass it? I also have to consider how much my body slows down as I age. Do I really want to throw a pregnancy in there? Then I weigh in on the other side. Do I want to be alone when I’m old, or surrounded my loved ones? I can adopt. Or maybe I just go out and do life as much as I can and die young. My youth is preserved in pictures and I’m missing out on the slower half of life. But then I’m also denying myself the experience. The chance to be an old woman who is a local on an island. My health problems will be bad, so that has to be taken into consideration.
Then I consider my family. I’m the youngest with my twin of 6 kids. My parents dying will be hard enough, but I can’t die before them. That’s not fair to them. So do I want to stick around and watch them kick the bucket before me? Or do I want to peace out early and get a good spot next to mom and dad. And don’t even get my started on after-life.
Maybe I go all Billy Joel on the family and go to hell. “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun. Only the good die young.”
There are so many lyrics about time. Sand through my fingers and a star for each moment. I’m 19 and my childhood being over doesn’t trouble me as it once did. Now I worry about how I’m going to go about spending my years.
That’s what royally fucks me up. In the words of the great, Neil Young, “My my, hey hey. It’s better to burn out than to fade away.”