nov 24 2015 4:32am

there are moments. moments of utter tranquility. for me they happen when i am alone. ill never forget the first one i had. i was 8 and at amends house in mexico. it was early morning. around 4am. i didn’t sleep back in the day either. i had my blanket with me. it was my knit blanket i took everywhere. that blanket and my bunny were my things. but i remember every moment so vividly. i was barefoot. the brickstone floor leading from the guest house to the beach. when i first stepped out of the guest how there was so little sand. then as i got closer to the front cottage, more and more sand crunched beneath my feet. i couldn’t see the ocean clearly yet because the early morning fog, but i could hear it. i got to the point where the brick pathway ended and the beach began. there was an old chair. it had yellow strips on it. i sat in that chair with my blanket and my bunny and just listened to the water. i felt the wind on my face. i was cold, but i sat there and enjoyed it. another moment. before basketball games that were home at night, allie megan fenton and grace. all the basketballl girls really. they would play music as loud as it would go, turn off the lights, and dance. i got so overwhelmed by it. outside it was frigid. sometimes there was snow. but the stars were always out. the stars and the moon. i would grab my fleece blanket, my phone, and my boots. then id go outside until merc called us to the pregame meeting. it would just be me and my music. and of course the stars. while in italy, i was constantly with people. I’ve written about this before i believe. but i was in rome. and the stars were out of course. we were in the shopping district and we had passed a brandy melville. but that was a mile ago. anyway, bobak gave us 30 minutes to shop around. i walked to the brandy melville thinking i had enough time. by the time i got there, i had 13 minutes to get back. so i grabbed everything i like and checked out as fast as i could. then i had 7 minutes to spare. so i ran back to the group. it had been raining and still was slightly. so i ran back through the light rain in the night back to the group. it wasn’t the shopping that i loved. it was this specific moment. it didn’t last long. but ill never forget it. i was running through puddles and there were lights strung across the dark streets and people were waving to me and smiling. i dont know what it was. i was just running. i can’t explain it. but i can feel it. while in venice, we had just gotten back to the hotel on the last day in italy. it was a year ago last night. kat and maria were in the room. maria listening to music and they were talking about how excited they were to be home. my bed was closest to the window, so i was looking out and saw that i could sit on the roof. i spent a lot of time outside the windows. libby and i were shirtless outside a window one night. it was funny. anyway i started to climb out the window. kat and maria didn’t notice. i was wearing nathans plaid pajama pants and my new jim morrison doors shirt. i just sat outthere without my contacts. somehow i could see everything though. i saw lovers pass holding hands with their necks within each others. i saw parents walk by with their little kids. the stars and moon were brilliant that night. i could see them. the sky was painted with the stars. i just sat there and hummed songs to myself. i could feel it. well, right now I’m sitting in the auditorium with all the lights off. there are no people around me. its pitch black. nothing but my laptop light. im listening to my mumofrd radio. the first song that came on was lovers eyes. it was the live version. so lovely. hm. its so beautiful. i can’t write fully about my experience right now, but it is a moment.

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