What Scares Me

sept 21 2015  2:18am

what scares me is time. I’ve said it before. another quality of time though. with time, i grow apart from the people i was once close with. so my siblings and i all start our own lives separate from each other. people start dying. people i never said goodbye to. my closest friends, chosen family, we all separate until we dont talk more than once a week, then month, then hardly ever. katherine terminated our friendship during the year, so losing her isn’t hard. but megan and gracey. thats a blow i can’t withstand. megan is at wooster. megan is who makes me feel alive. she’s my philosophy side of my life. she helps me answer the big things. and grace. she is my rock and my glue. without gracey, i very well may not be alive. megan never was into texting, so her not responding isn’t weird. but gracey doesn’t communicate with me anymore. she was my one that i didn’t have to worry about leaving me ever. compassionate and accepting. she understood a lot of what i feel. and she doesn’t text me anymore. I’m so depressed all the time. i can’t keep growing close to friends and then losing them. i haven’t had a solid friend anymore. it started with becca geisler. then we move to foster. then jessie. then madeline. then ofek. then erik and michelle. then katherine. now megan and gracey. all of those people were important people in my life. i know it sounds weird, but each of those friends meant different things and losing them is hard. mich and erik weren’t super important, but they mattered so much. with time, I’m losing more people. i just want to cry about everything all the time. its pathetic. i am calling the doctor tomorrow. i need to get help. these thoughts. i dont know. i just dont.
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